Today, March 29 is my baby brothers' birthday. Shaun's 39 now.
I had no problem turning 40. I'm not worried that I am now into the 5th decade of my life. I've never really felt like I'm getting old. But the fact that this time next year my little brother will be 40, that terrifies me. That makes me feel old.
Happy birthday Shaun. Have a great day. Yes, I'll send you a present. No, I don't know what. Yes, it will be completely and utterly useless whatever it is.
DQ came home from the hangar and told me he was no longer in love with me, he would be happier on his own, and he was leaving.
A month later he moved out.
I did not see it coming. Yes, we had our disagreements, we were far from the perfect couple, and life was not all sugar and roses and cute little puppies. But we we loved each other and enjoyed each others company. Or so I thought.
Unfortunately DQ doesn't feel the same way anymore. He said he hasn't for a year or two. I feel incredibly sad that I hadn't noticed he was unhappy. I am angry with myself that I didn't see it. I was devastated when he said he didn't want to waste anymore time.
Dave has already moved on with his new life. He has moved out, has a new home, continues with his work, with flying, with Search and Rescue. He's not looking back.
I don't hate him, I don't want you, my friends, to hate him. I still love him very much. I want him to be happy. I wish it was with me, but it's not.
I miss him every day. He's still the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to sleep. I miss his snoring, I miss his laugh, I miss him running me a bath, I miss telling him stories about stupid people, I miss his hugs. I just miss him.
People ask me how I'm handling it. I'm just plodding along with life. Waiting. What for? I'm not really sure. I'm just going through the motions of life. Eating, sleeping, reading, running, laundry, job hunting.
Am I staying in Canada or going back to Australia? Don't know. It's too big a decision for me to make right now. But I'm keeping my options open.
I've been asked what happens next? Honestly I don't know. I need to find a job. Doing what? Again I don't know. I've applied for tourism, hospitality, retail, banking and admin jobs. All fields I have previous experience in.
DQ and I will sell the house sometime this summer. He doesn't want it, and I can't afford to buy him out. So some point soon I'll be looking for somewhere to rent.
We'll split the equity in the remaining assets and go our separate ways.
Friends tell me this is an exciting time on my life and that I can start anew. I know they mean well and have the best of intentions but I'm not there yet. I don't want a new life, I want the life I had with DQ. I know it's not going to happen and like many people before me I will move on. But it still sucks.
Don't get me wrong it's not all doom and gloom. I have great family and friends both here and in Australia (and in other parts of the world too). But they have their own lives and I don't always want to phone and interrupt them too.
That's it. I've debated posting this on here. Is it sharing too much? But I've had a lot of people ask. So I'm answering.
I read the four Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants books years ago. Years Ago. I liked them. I know they're young adult fiction. Don't judge.
Did you know there's a fifth book? I didn't. I was scanning books at Costco and picked up Sisterhood Everlasting. Right on front cover it says... Four friends. One sisterhood. Ten years later, the story continues....
It took reading the synopsis on the back, for it to sink in that it was another Traveling Pants books.
The book came home with me this morning. I finished about an hour or so ago. I spent a lovely sunny day sitting outside, down by the river with an iced tea, reading.
Bridget, Carmen, Lena and Tibby are approaching their 30th birthdays, living their own lives. They've grown apart. The book started with unexpectedly. It's about changing paths, finding your path, rebuilding and friendship,
I enjoyed it. I'll read it again later. Made me cry. But then everything makes me cry right now.
I went to the supermarket this afternoon to buy milk, bread, dish washing liquid, spinach, capsicums, oranges etc
Yeah, umm. Didn't get any of that. I did however buy Easter Kit Kats, a Lindt bunny with a bell around its neck, Hershey's Cookies and Cream eggs and two varieties of Peeps.
Peeps are hideous. They are 100% sugar. I had a bite of one 10 years ago and never again. Doesn't stop me from sending them half way round the world though. Perfect for giving friends kids a sugar high!
Tomorrow these will be in various envelopes winging their way to friends in Aus. They probably won't make it I time for Easter but that's okay.
Jo gifted me this necklace for Christmas. Before she gave it to me, she had to take it for a test run.
Jo liked it so much, she had to buy one for herself.
They are Venetian glass, made by Antica Murrina. Each piece is slightly different. Mine has more green and blue in it, Jo's has more red. I love the name, Millefiori, a thousand flowers.
I wear it a lot, as Jo says, it goes with everything. I'm considering ordering one to give as a gift as well. I like the tree pendant too. (Jo already has that one!) is it weird that we have matching jewelry?
Ever heard the saying, " When you see something you like, buy multiples"?
Apparently Jo and I both subscribe to this theory.
A year or two ago I bought the silver tree necklace as a present for Jo. I also bought one as a present for Jane. Then I was jealous, so a few months later I bought one for myself. Yep, three of the exact same necklace. It's called Meghan and it's from a local Vancouver company, Sugarlime.
I have several pieces of Sugarlime jewelry that I've purchased over the years. Karen is the owner/designer. Karen's mum used to work at the same Royal Bank centre with me.
I had a lot of crap in my head yesterday. It's been there for a few days. I couldnt turn my brain off. I needed to clear my head before I said something stupid.
So after breakfast I headed out for a quick half hour walk. My plan was to walk to the airport and back.
It was wet and cold and windy. I was wearing jeans, my runners, a fleece and a raincoat. When I reached the airport my brain was still racing, I couldn't even make sense of my thoughts. So I kept walking along the dyke.
I kept walking. And walking. And walking. I walked all along the dyke, past the cranberry fields, past where the Fraser River meets the Pitt River, past the gun club, all the way to the Pitt River Bridge. Then I walked some more, along side Lougheed Highway and down Harris Road to home.
4 hours. About 20km. Did it clear my head? I think so. That or my brain was frozen and numb. But at least I could think straight.
I was so soaked that the dye in my jeans had turned my legs and my sneakers blue. Even after a soak in a warm tub last night and a shower this morning, my legs are still blue. But my mind is still quiet. Mission accomplished.
Michelle just discovered Trader Joe's a week or two ago. She was quite excited. So this last weekend Michelle, Tricia and I made a border run...Target and Trader Joe's.
Target was a disappointment. None of us could find what we were looking for. But Trader Joe's did not fail us. I came home with Laughing Cow Blue Cheese triangles, individual bites of Brie and a wedge of Vintage Irish Cheddar with Porter.
It could have been a little tastier. It wasn't as strong as I was hoping for. Didn't stop me from devouring quite a chunk of it for dessert. Accompanied by a bottle of Innes and Gunn Scottish beer. Mmmmmm.